A Gratitude Letter for My Mother

I always remember Ela Bhatt, a founder of Women’s World Banking and a trustee of the Rockefeller Foundation, telling me when her husband passed, “why does everyone wait until someone is dead to say nice things about them?” I have thought a lot about that statement over the years, so, I decided to write my 85-year-old mother a gratitude letter this holiday season.

Thanks to researchers like Laurie Santos, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Martin Seligman, and Arthur C. Brooks, we have a lot of data on the positive impacts linked to appreciation and gratitude practices. According to Lyubormisky, the act of writing gratitude letters “promotes gratitude, encourages the appreciation of others in your life, strengthens relationships, and moves you to become a better person.” And positive benefits are felt by BOTH the writer and receiver of a gratitude letter. So, what is stopping us from writing more of them? That’s a question I’ll leave you to ponder.

Here are the three gratitudes I focused on in the letter to my mother (to be hand delivered this December). Each one of them has a profound impact on my life.

First, my mother taught me what it means to be “in service to others.” It is one of my core values. I was raised in a home where my mother always volunteered at my school and our church. Her example was powerful, and helped develop my understanding of what it means to give back. In her later years, my mom volunteered at a food kitchen for the homeless and helped a local church to run its rummage sales. My volunteer work looks different— I serve on two nonprofit boards, Hot Bread Kitchen and COHME. I also want to find more time to be in direct service. Over the years it has been very soul satisfying to work periodically at a local church’s meal service for the homeless. Since my mother is too elderly for that kind of active work, I felt like my time there was honoring her. I am deeply grateful for the sense of service my mother integrated into my upbringing.

Second, coincidentally I am grateful to my mother for opening my eyes to the power of gratitude itself. My mother has taught me that gratitude is the basis for real joy. And yes, it's one of my core values too. I see how joyful my mother is – whether she is appreciating nature first-hand or delighting when someone visits her. She takes nothing for granted. I also hear (sometimes over and over) how grateful she is to be in an assisted living facility where her daily practical needs are managed for her. Perhaps this gratitude attitude comes from growing up in England during the war: my mother understands hardship and scarcity. But it feels like more than that. She has the ability to be in the moment and be present to the joys, mysteries, and delights of life. For me, gratitude links to optimism, and optimism is deeply researched as a signpost for greater well-being and resilience. Because I understand the power of gratitude, I keep a gratitude journal. The last thing I do every night is write down five things I am grateful for that day. It is a grounding activity and a habit that my mother has inspired me to maintain.

Finally, my mother has a great capacity for playfulness. She laughs easily. She doesn’t take life’s trials and tribulations too seriously. And I see this evolution as she has aged. She has let go of some of the anxieties and stresses of motherhood. She is accepting and never judgmental of others. She lights up when she can entertain others with her stories and antics. One of my favorite examples was the shock waves she would cause when she would show up at the grocery store or bank swigging from a vodka bottle which she had repurposed as her go-to water bottle. (That also met her criteria for thriftiness!) I aspire to integrate more of mom’s childlike wonder and playfulness into my daily life.

This note gives you a sense of how special my mother is, how grateful I am to be her daughter and how much I have learned from her. She inspires me every day.

I also hope this note inspires you to integrate more gratitude into your daily life, and to write a letter of gratitude to someone you want to thank and appreciate while they are alive, so that you both can enjoy the feelings the letter evokes.

Wishing you a holiday season and a year ahead filled with gratitude.